i have been hating, this past week.
i've been hating it so much.
no , i can't even say hate .
i could burn that week if i could .
fuck this week , i mean .
fuck !
my mom has seem mad at me these few days that just past , and i'm afraid to ask her ' mommy , what's wrong ? ' because i know, and i'm very afraid ..
that she'll reply to me ,
' i know you have a boyfriend now , and it's someone i don't like . '
because honestly, she knows i'm not the type to go out to a park and chill there and stuff ..
she's my mother, she knows me better than that.
she knows i would chill at bubble republic, square one for most of the time, or just at their places or on the street.
never, at a park.
especially not until nine ..
i think that's why she's stopped asking me who i'm gonna be with ,
because she might already have a clue .
fuck my life..
mommy, i love you ..
but i can't believe you can't accept the fact that i would go out with someone that isn't chinese or vietnamese.
i can't believe you only want me to be happy with another guy that's chinese, or vietnamese.
i can't believe you accepted my fucking ex boyfriend and not accept yassir that's actually proper, doesn't dye his hair 496u84068490 colors and practically fails.
if yassir was asian, you would love him.
but he's not, and just because of that.
you don't want me going out with him.
mommy he's like the boyfriend i always wanted, the one i would never have a fight with and everything.. remember i told you that ? i told you while i was going out with my ex, that my next relationship will be a very happy one. and you said you would support me.
and here i am, i have to keep something this big to me, away from you.
i'm scared to even talk to you sometimes.
and daddy, fuck off -___- .
you don't stick around for me for anything, and then when modelling comes you just pop in and say no. fine, i don't wanna do it that much anyways. i mean, it's like i've alawys liked cameras right -_- but what if it was something i really wanted to do ? what if it was somethng i spent lots of time and effort into ? and you just say no ? i mean if you were around for me a lot more often, i'd be fine with it because i understand you're my dad. but what are you to me now ? you're just someone that gives me money and rides home and there when my mom tells you to. trust, i hate spending money and especially when it's bus money it pisses me off. but i returned that $20 to you for a fucking reason. don't look at me like you want to give it to me, because i know you don't . if it wasn't for mommy saying how she feels bad for me, always trying to find a way to find money other than asking you and mommy, you would never tell me to stop doing babycakes. you would never. you hate giving money to me, you hate giving anything to me. you know what i kinda miss ? at least in 2008, if i texted you would text back, you would be happy to see me, give me ar ide anywhere, or give me anything. now what am i ? i'm just like my sister right ? i'm going to go into a field where you and mommy are strongly againist it ? no i'm not like that. you're my dad, you're an asshole, but i would never ever ever do what she did.
honestly, this is already making me cry and i haven't even finished what i'm about to say.
i used to think i had the most supportive parents ever.
sometimes i'm thinking about all the things you and mommy used to say about me at famjams, dinner with friends and stuff.
" she's our second daughter, look at her .. she's growing up so much . "
" she doesn't look like her dad or her mom =O ! "
" i know, but she's just like us . "
and then my dad would be like ..
" it's so cute, we always wanted her to be a dentist or a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher "
and my mom jumps in ..
" she says she wants to be a teacher :D ! "
and that was months ago.
now what ?
at the dinner table, my dad's always making jokes to my mom like ,
" better cook good food :O this is our future dentist right here, she'll be doing our teeth in the future ;D "
and sometimes i'm thinking, ' i don't wanna be a dentist, or a lawyer, or a doctor, but maybe i wanna be a nurse or a teacher .. but at least this is something you're proud of me of saying/doing/wanting to do .. unlike anything else. '
fuck, i don't know.
maybe i'll be like a typical daughter, and be the kind to not have a good relationship with my parents.
cause it's feel harder and harder as days go by.
i've told my mom about my dad and i ..
and my mom thinks it's just because i'm older now, so my dad doesn't feel the need to treat me like his little baby like he used to..
i'm just one year older daddy..
i still need you.
i don't wanna admit it, because i'm always thinking if you don't wanna be there, i don't want you there either.
but i hate having the other half of my parents, always in his office on the phone or on the computer doing his work.
when i wake up, you don't even say good morning to me anymore.
i mean, i always say ' good morning daddy ' hoping that you still think i need you and everything. because it's true, i do. and it's not just because i want money, or rides to places, or anything else.
it's because it's hard sometimes when mommy isn't there and you are .. but it doesn't even feel like you're even there. and like, i guess mommy just heard me crying in the hallway just now so she came in and tlkaed to me about everything .. but still ..
so my mommy just said..
if anyone hit me when i was smaller at my babysitter's, my dad would call them psycho and retarded .. literally ..
and from everything i hear, he used to love me..
what about now ?
only time he talks to me is when i did something wrong and he yells at me, the occasional doing teeth thing is twice a month, maybe.
fuck. fuck.
FUCK.
i don't care how old i am, i honestly still need you daddy..

i have been hating, this past week.
i've been hating it so much.
no , i can't even say hate .
i could burn that week if i could .
fuck this week , i mean .
fuck !
my mom has seem mad at me these few days that just past , and i'm afraid to ask her ' mommy , what's wrong ? ' because i know, and i'm very afraid ..
that she'll reply to me ,
' i know you have a boyfriend now , and it's someone i don't like . '
because honestly, she knows i'm not the type to go out to a park and chill there and stuff ..
she's my mother, she knows me better than that.
she knows i would chill at bubble republic, square one for most of the time, or just at their places or on the street.
never, at a park.
especially not until nine ..
i think that's why she's stopped asking me who i'm gonna be with ,
because she might already have a clue .
fuck my life..
mommy, i love you ..
but i can't believe you can't accept the fact that i would go out with someone that isn't chinese or vietnamese.
i can't believe you only want me to be happy with another guy that's chinese, or vietnamese.
i can't believe you accepted my fucking ex boyfriend and not accept yassir that's actually proper, doesn't dye his hair 496u84068490 colors and practically fails.
if yassir was asian, you would love him.
but he's not, and just because of that.
you don't want me going out with him.
mommy he's like the boyfriend i always wanted, the one i would never have a fight with and everything.. remember i told you that ? i told you while i was going out with my ex, that my next relationship will be a very happy one. and you said you would support me.
and here i am, i have to keep something this big to me, away from you.
i'm scared to even talk to you sometimes.
and daddy, fuck off -___- .
you don't stick around for me for anything, and then when modelling comes you just pop in and say no. fine, i don't wanna do it that much anyways. i mean, it's like i've alawys liked cameras right -_- but what if it was something i really wanted to do ? what if it was somethng i spent lots of time and effort into ? and you just say no ? i mean if you were around for me a lot more often, i'd be fine with it because i understand you're my dad. but what are you to me now ? you're just someone that gives me money and rides home and there when my mom tells you to. trust, i hate spending money and especially when it's bus money it pisses me off. but i returned that $20 to you for a fucking reason. don't look at me like you want to give it to me, because i know you don't . if it wasn't for mommy saying how she feels bad for me, always trying to find a way to find money other than asking you and mommy, you would never tell me to stop doing babycakes. you would never. you hate giving money to me, you hate giving anything to me. you know what i kinda miss ? at least in 2008, if i texted you would text back, you would be happy to see me, give me ar ide anywhere, or give me anything. now what am i ? i'm just like my sister right ? i'm going to go into a field where you and mommy are strongly againist it ? no i'm not like that. you're my dad, you're an asshole, but i would never ever ever do what she did.
honestly, this is already making me cry and i haven't even finished what i'm about to say.
i used to think i had the most supportive parents ever.
sometimes i'm thinking about all the things you and mommy used to say about me at famjams, dinner with friends and stuff.
" she's our second daughter, look at her .. she's growing up so much . "
" she doesn't look like her dad or her mom =O ! "
" i know, but she's just like us . "
and then my dad would be like ..
" it's so cute, we always wanted her to be a dentist or a lawyer or a doctor or a teacher "
and my mom jumps in ..
" she says she wants to be a teacher :D ! "
and that was months ago.
now what ?
at the dinner table, my dad's always making jokes to my mom like ,
" better cook good food :O this is our future dentist right here, she'll be doing our teeth in the future ;D "
and sometimes i'm thinking, ' i don't wanna be a dentist, or a lawyer, or a doctor, but maybe i wanna be a nurse or a teacher .. but at least this is something you're proud of me of saying/doing/wanting to do .. unlike anything else. '
fuck, i don't know.
maybe i'll be like a typical daughter, and be the kind to not have a good relationship with my parents.
cause it's feel harder and harder as days go by.
i've told my mom about my dad and i ..
and my mom thinks it's just because i'm older now, so my dad doesn't feel the need to treat me like his little baby like he used to..
i'm just one year older daddy..
i still need you.
i don't wanna admit it, because i'm always thinking if you don't wanna be there, i don't want you there either.
but i hate having the other half of my parents, always in his office on the phone or on the computer doing his work.
when i wake up, you don't even say good morning to me anymore.
i mean, i always say ' good morning daddy ' hoping that you still think i need you and everything. because it's true, i do. and it's not just because i want money, or rides to places, or anything else.
it's because it's hard sometimes when mommy isn't there and you are .. but it doesn't even feel like you're even there. and like, i guess mommy just heard me crying in the hallway just now so she came in and tlkaed to me about everything .. but still ..
so my mommy just said..
if anyone hit me when i was smaller at my babysitter's, my dad would call them psycho and retarded .. literally ..
and from everything i hear, he used to love me..
what about now ?
only time he talks to me is when i did something wrong and he yells at me, the occasional doing teeth thing is twice a month, maybe.
fuck. fuck.
FUCK.
i don't care how old i am, i honestly still need you daddy..

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