so today aws quite the day ,
i woke up around like nineish right because i had to go to the eye doctors to learn how to put my god damn contacts on .. and it was quite the eventful experience because uhm ..
a brown optometrist that can't teach + a celia hua = tornado ..
and i loved the little secretary outside , because this girl was always so clueless and she is the CUTEST and i just love her to her little death off ,
so this was basically what happened ..
dr: okay okay we're gonna start with our right eye because the right eye is the easiest
cee: no my left is..
dr: we're ognna change that
cee: :S
dr: okay so you lift up your eyelid and then you put it in 90 degree angle , like this
cee: :
dr: it won't hurt
cee: are you telling me to poke my eye ?
dr: you're just gonna TOUCH it :)
cee: that's poking it..
after a while ..
cee: OKAY OKAY OKAY ITS REALLY CLOSE TO MY EYE I CAN FEEL IT TRYING TO LIKE SUCK ITSELF IN
dr: okay CALM DOWN
cee: I'M CALM I'M CALM I'M CALM !!
dr: NO YOU'RE NOT CALM CALM DOWN
cee: I'M TOTALLY CALM I THINK YOU 'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO CALM DOWN
dr: YOU'RE PANICING
cee: I AM NOT PANICING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dr: YOU ARE PANICING .. look its not going in
cee: fuck my life. :
mom: -_______- .....
after like 40 minutes it did go in and now it's easy for me
but still , you know .. good times -.- LOL (Y)

but you know, aside that..
i came hoem and my parents are still not speaking to each other which is really sad.. i mean yeah, that makes me really sad because i want my parents to live happily with each other. and then my dad saw me sad and i love how everytime he sees me sad he thinks its because of a guy and then he goes like ' NO BOYS ' and everytime he mentions guys he'll bring up how after i get out of university and become a doctor of any sort except for gentil areas and feets and ' stupid stuff ' like that, then i can do whatever i want. so that makes me really sad their not talking anymore like i was already kinda down from last night don't tell me this has to happen .
after i went to watch some asian tv ..
i turned on the tv and it's already set to our little asian chanel , and i saw a advertisement that the temple was accepting students.. and it made me think of when i was smaller.
and it made me cry, i felt so sad.
because i missed the home where i grew up in, i missed our master..
the commericial was like .. a monk was helping a baby to walk. walk to the buddha and to stick a stick into the sand.. and it made me think to all those times where i had to do that.
thinking of the temple actually, i remember back when my parents would drop me off to the temple only. my sister didn't go as often as i did actually. i'm not sure why. but i went alot. and i always cried because i was so used to being with my mom so often and i cried when she left me, with this bald guy i had no idea who the fuck he was. actually, my mom told me how this one bald guy tried to rape her.. so i got really scared. i refused to stay with him, i always cried. i was probably the weirdest one in the class. i was always loud, refused to do anything. but then i remember how he told me i was safe, and there was nowhere else in the world that i could be safer in. i was in the hands of buddha. and obviously i thought he was bullshitting me, my mom told me that people who just wanna get in your pants would do anything to you. but i ended up getting settled in. and when it was time to go home, i'd quietly leave. when it was time to come agian, i'd quietly leave again. and slowly that kinda became my new home. i grew up being taught that promises meant more than just something you stuck to; i grew up knowing that it doesn't matter what you do.. it doesn't matter how much money you make, it doesn't matter how you look like, as long as you're always gonna be yourself, as long as you don't harm anyone. i grew up as a vegetarian until i was about 8 or 9 because i learned that animals had the same rights as we did, why do we eat them ? scientists in labs that try to clone people were horrible people, going againist god. my worst fear was hurting someone.. because buddha would punish me in some way or another. i was thankful for all the food i had, they taught me not to waste any food. i couldn't even leave a single grain of rice on the bowl because people in africa would die for that single grain of rice. donating to the less forunate ones were the best thing i could do. praying for the ones that don't have a home on the streets was something i'd always try to do. if someone else had a bigger teddy bear than i did, i should never be jealous. instead, i should be thankful for what i have. i'm glad i even had one. others didn't. i was exactly what my parents wanted me to be, that's what i had to come out being. you know what DIDN'T matter ? how i looked. my monks told me as long as i aws a nice person, that was enough to satisfy anyone. i didn't have to live to please others, but i shouldn't piss anyone off or anything either. i didn't even care, did you know how small i was ? everyone always told me i was so cute, everyone told me how when i grew up i'd be such a pretty girl, my parents were so lucky to have me.. they were also so lucky to have my sister. althoguh there was the big; when i was smaller my nose was flat. my sister's wasn't. so obviously she got more compliments than i did but it never mattered. i got out of temple school eventually because my parents had no intention of me being a monk in the future, and i went to grade one at forest glen after. alllll the way since then, i was a vegetarian and i always had my master's words in mind. growing up though i was bound to forget somethings. obviously when i grew up, im gonna care more about how i look like, how i dress. but i still kept in mind that everyone told me i'd grow up to be a pretty girl and that was enough to make me smile every morning. i brush my hair, and then i tell my mom to come do my hair. i pick out my clothes and go to school. i stopped having my mom do my hair and now i do everything in the morning. although something changed,
i refuse to go to school (or atleast make it through the day) without straightening my hair , i refuse to go to school not wearing any make up, i have to spend atleast 5 minutes picking out my outfit. and it feels like i'm not even myself anymore.
can't blame anyone but myself..
one relationship scared me forever, i lost someone i really really liked and honestly.. possibly loved but i'll never know. because of him i was so convinced, everything i grew up thinking was a lie. i was never that pretty. i had small eyes, i had really ugly eyebrows, i had a weird nose.. my smile made my face look fat. oh, and i was chubby too. that was a big. but you know, everyone told me he was a jerk. and like i cared, i told myself i'd never have another boyfriend ever again. guys did nothing but hurt me. that's all they ever wanted to do ; make my life complicated regardless of whether or not they love me. i don't know if he ever really did love me, i knew he liked me though. but when a guy likes a girl doesn't he try to make her happy ? i can't tell you how many times he put me down. and eventually it came to the part where he didnt'e ven like me anymore, but didn't break up with me because he said he felt bad for me. and then i thought..
am i that ugly, that a guy won't even break up with me because he feels bad for me ?
is it because .. he knows noone's gonna want me ?
and honestly i don't know. he used to tell me who was pretty, and they all had big eyes, pretty lips, their nose looked pretty.. their smile didn't make their face look fat.
funny story, that changed me so much..
i mean, i wear eyeliner now so my eyes look big and round..
i wear foundation and sometimes i'll highlight my nose so it doesn't look funny..
i wear lipgloss often , and if it comes off i'll put it back on.
i wear blush because they had color in their cheeks too, i didn't. i was ugly.
i do my eyebrows now and i even tried to grow them a certain way because they had pointy eyebrows too.
i tried hard.
and then after i took that all off, i looked at myself.
i'm fucking ugly. why am i so fucking ugly for.
so now, i try so hard.. but honestly it doesn't make a difference.
because he looks at her the same way he looks at me.
doesn't make a difference, i'll never be the prettier one.
never..
i don't even smile naturally anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when you look at me, what goes on in your head..
did you think i looked pretty ? you said i did ..
when you look at her, what goes on in your head ? ..
did you think she looked pretty.. prettier than me ?
i thought about you the other day, and it made me smile ..
and then after just one lunch period,
i regretted everything i've done ,
i regret trying so hard ,
i regret waking up so early , just for you .
because i thought you looked at me in a different way ,
but i'm the same. i'm just the same.
boy it ain't easy to take in.
not at all ..

so today aws quite the day ,
i woke up around like nineish right because i had to go to the eye doctors to learn how to put my god damn contacts on .. and it was quite the eventful experience because uhm ..
a brown optometrist that can't teach + a celia hua = tornado ..
and i loved the little secretary outside , because this girl was always so clueless and she is the CUTEST and i just love her to her little death off ,
so this was basically what happened ..
dr: okay okay we're gonna start with our right eye because the right eye is the easiest
cee: no my left is..
dr: we're ognna change that
cee: :S
dr: okay so you lift up your eyelid and then you put it in 90 degree angle , like this
cee: :
dr: it won't hurt
cee: are you telling me to poke my eye ?
dr: you're just gonna TOUCH it :)
cee: that's poking it..
after a while ..
cee: OKAY OKAY OKAY ITS REALLY CLOSE TO MY EYE I CAN FEEL IT TRYING TO LIKE SUCK ITSELF IN
dr: okay CALM DOWN
cee: I'M CALM I'M CALM I'M CALM !!
dr: NO YOU'RE NOT CALM CALM DOWN
cee: I'M TOTALLY CALM I THINK YOU 'RE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO CALM DOWN
dr: YOU'RE PANICING
cee: I AM NOT PANICING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dr: YOU ARE PANICING .. look its not going in
cee: fuck my life. :
mom: -_______- .....
after like 40 minutes it did go in and now it's easy for me
but still , you know .. good times -.- LOL (Y)

but you know, aside that..
i came hoem and my parents are still not speaking to each other which is really sad.. i mean yeah, that makes me really sad because i want my parents to live happily with each other. and then my dad saw me sad and i love how everytime he sees me sad he thinks its because of a guy and then he goes like ' NO BOYS ' and everytime he mentions guys he'll bring up how after i get out of university and become a doctor of any sort except for gentil areas and feets and ' stupid stuff ' like that, then i can do whatever i want. so that makes me really sad their not talking anymore like i was already kinda down from last night don't tell me this has to happen .
after i went to watch some asian tv ..
i turned on the tv and it's already set to our little asian chanel , and i saw a advertisement that the temple was accepting students.. and it made me think of when i was smaller.
and it made me cry, i felt so sad.
because i missed the home where i grew up in, i missed our master..
the commericial was like .. a monk was helping a baby to walk. walk to the buddha and to stick a stick into the sand.. and it made me think to all those times where i had to do that.
thinking of the temple actually, i remember back when my parents would drop me off to the temple only. my sister didn't go as often as i did actually. i'm not sure why. but i went alot. and i always cried because i was so used to being with my mom so often and i cried when she left me, with this bald guy i had no idea who the fuck he was. actually, my mom told me how this one bald guy tried to rape her.. so i got really scared. i refused to stay with him, i always cried. i was probably the weirdest one in the class. i was always loud, refused to do anything. but then i remember how he told me i was safe, and there was nowhere else in the world that i could be safer in. i was in the hands of buddha. and obviously i thought he was bullshitting me, my mom told me that people who just wanna get in your pants would do anything to you. but i ended up getting settled in. and when it was time to go home, i'd quietly leave. when it was time to come agian, i'd quietly leave again. and slowly that kinda became my new home. i grew up being taught that promises meant more than just something you stuck to; i grew up knowing that it doesn't matter what you do.. it doesn't matter how much money you make, it doesn't matter how you look like, as long as you're always gonna be yourself, as long as you don't harm anyone. i grew up as a vegetarian until i was about 8 or 9 because i learned that animals had the same rights as we did, why do we eat them ? scientists in labs that try to clone people were horrible people, going againist god. my worst fear was hurting someone.. because buddha would punish me in some way or another. i was thankful for all the food i had, they taught me not to waste any food. i couldn't even leave a single grain of rice on the bowl because people in africa would die for that single grain of rice. donating to the less forunate ones were the best thing i could do. praying for the ones that don't have a home on the streets was something i'd always try to do. if someone else had a bigger teddy bear than i did, i should never be jealous. instead, i should be thankful for what i have. i'm glad i even had one. others didn't. i was exactly what my parents wanted me to be, that's what i had to come out being. you know what DIDN'T matter ? how i looked. my monks told me as long as i aws a nice person, that was enough to satisfy anyone. i didn't have to live to please others, but i shouldn't piss anyone off or anything either. i didn't even care, did you know how small i was ? everyone always told me i was so cute, everyone told me how when i grew up i'd be such a pretty girl, my parents were so lucky to have me.. they were also so lucky to have my sister. althoguh there was the big; when i was smaller my nose was flat. my sister's wasn't. so obviously she got more compliments than i did but it never mattered. i got out of temple school eventually because my parents had no intention of me being a monk in the future, and i went to grade one at forest glen after. alllll the way since then, i was a vegetarian and i always had my master's words in mind. growing up though i was bound to forget somethings. obviously when i grew up, im gonna care more about how i look like, how i dress. but i still kept in mind that everyone told me i'd grow up to be a pretty girl and that was enough to make me smile every morning. i brush my hair, and then i tell my mom to come do my hair. i pick out my clothes and go to school. i stopped having my mom do my hair and now i do everything in the morning. although something changed,
i refuse to go to school (or atleast make it through the day) without straightening my hair , i refuse to go to school not wearing any make up, i have to spend atleast 5 minutes picking out my outfit. and it feels like i'm not even myself anymore.
can't blame anyone but myself..
one relationship scared me forever, i lost someone i really really liked and honestly.. possibly loved but i'll never know. because of him i was so convinced, everything i grew up thinking was a lie. i was never that pretty. i had small eyes, i had really ugly eyebrows, i had a weird nose.. my smile made my face look fat. oh, and i was chubby too. that was a big. but you know, everyone told me he was a jerk. and like i cared, i told myself i'd never have another boyfriend ever again. guys did nothing but hurt me. that's all they ever wanted to do ; make my life complicated regardless of whether or not they love me. i don't know if he ever really did love me, i knew he liked me though. but when a guy likes a girl doesn't he try to make her happy ? i can't tell you how many times he put me down. and eventually it came to the part where he didnt'e ven like me anymore, but didn't break up with me because he said he felt bad for me. and then i thought..
am i that ugly, that a guy won't even break up with me because he feels bad for me ?
is it because .. he knows noone's gonna want me ?
and honestly i don't know. he used to tell me who was pretty, and they all had big eyes, pretty lips, their nose looked pretty.. their smile didn't make their face look fat.
funny story, that changed me so much..
i mean, i wear eyeliner now so my eyes look big and round..
i wear foundation and sometimes i'll highlight my nose so it doesn't look funny..
i wear lipgloss often , and if it comes off i'll put it back on.
i wear blush because they had color in their cheeks too, i didn't. i was ugly.
i do my eyebrows now and i even tried to grow them a certain way because they had pointy eyebrows too.
i tried hard.
and then after i took that all off, i looked at myself.
i'm fucking ugly. why am i so fucking ugly for.
so now, i try so hard.. but honestly it doesn't make a difference.
because he looks at her the same way he looks at me.
doesn't make a difference, i'll never be the prettier one.
never..
i don't even smile naturally anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
when you look at me, what goes on in your head..
did you think i looked pretty ? you said i did ..
when you look at her, what goes on in your head ? ..
did you think she looked pretty.. prettier than me ?
i thought about you the other day, and it made me smile ..
and then after just one lunch period,
i regretted everything i've done ,
i regret trying so hard ,
i regret waking up so early , just for you .
because i thought you looked at me in a different way ,
but i'm the same. i'm just the same.
boy it ain't easy to take in.
not at all ..

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